Looking Back

After researching this problem, I have come to a better understanding of romantic relationships. I’ve never been emotionally invested in anything in my life. This held true for my romantic relationships. There were 2 reasons why I didn’t dive into a relationship. 1 reason was because I didn’t know what I should do. With feminist demanding independence and equality, dating kind of fell into a fuzzy gray zone for me. The other reason is that I probably wouldn’t be worth any girl I did ask out. But, a personal definition of self-worth never changes. So the best course is to remedy that things that can change.

           Gender roles can be changed over time. Albeit it is an uphill climb, I can affect it. Specifically the perceptional and allegiance to the established gender roles. I always thought that I was over thinking those issue. It turns out, I’m not the only one left in limbo and the reason is the continued existence but lack of acknowledgement to relationship gender roles. I may not be able to directly apply this to myself, but, it will help me aid others through their uncertainty.

Additional Resources

Resources

These sites were useful to understanding opposing viewpoints on the topic of chivalry.

Schaeffer, Sabrina. "Chivalry Is Dead, Long Live Feminism." The Federalist. N.p., 30 Oct. 2014. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <http://thefederalist.com/2014/10/30/chivalry-is-dead-long-live-feminism/#disqus_thread>.

Smith, Emily Esfahani. "Let's Give Chivalry Another Chance." The Atlantic. Atlantic Media Company, 10 Dec. 2012. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2012/12/lets-give-chivalry-another-chance/266085/2/>.

This site was useful exploring the social constructs of relationships.

Greene, Kathryn, and Sandra L. Faulkner. "Gender, Belief in the Sexual Double Standard, and Sexual Talk in Heterosexual Dating Relationships." Sex Roles 53.3-4 (2005): 239-51. Web. 8 Dec. 2014.

This site was useful in determining the effects of ethnicity on love.

Doherty, R. William, Elaine Hatfield, Kari Thompson, and Patricia Choo. "Cultural and Ethnic Influences on Love and Attachment." Personal Relationships 1.4 (1994): 391-98. Web. 8 Dec. 2014.

Additional resources

This journal showed the differences in the dating realm between college men and women.

Bradshaw, Carolyn, Arnold S. Kahn, and Bryan K. Saville. "To Hook Up or Date: Which Gender Benefits?" Sex Roles 62.9-10 (2010): 661-69. Web.

This website helps dispel common myths about relationships.

Seidman, Gwendolyn. "6 Myths About Men, Women, and Relationships."Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist. Sussex Publishers, 30 Sept. 2014. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201409/6-myths-about-men-women-and-relationships>.

This shows the differences in perceptions on what an ideal date is. It is a bit satirized. You were warned.

"He Said. She Said. (short Film Comedy)." YouTube. YouTube, 15 Sept. 2011. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y_-vsHvPBE>.

This site show that traditional gender roles typically lead to a more stable relationship.

King, Nicole M. "Do Traditional Gender Roles Mean a Better Relationship?"Do Traditional Gender Roles Mean a Better Relationship?MercatorNet.com, 25 Sept. 2013. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/view/12834>.

This site shows that financial responsibility still falls under gender roles

            Voigt, Kevin. "Who Pays? With Money Matters, Traditional Gender Roles Stick." The Christian Science Monitor. The Christian Science Monitor, 17 Sept. 2014. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <http://www.csmonitor.com/Business/Saving-Money/2014/0917/Who-pays-With-money-matters-traditional-gender-roles-stick>.

Changing the World

          The best solutions I can come up with is a restructuring of the dating world. This cannot be done all at once. There are a few steps to proceed the modification. The first is the re-establishment of defined gender roles in dating. This includes the reclusion of chivalry into the system. It was a nice system where women were treated respectfully and were valued. In modern times, it has been phased out because it undermines the feminist viewpoint of equality. I believe this is like shooting yourself in the foot and creating more instances of cat-calling and rape. So with its return, it might mitigate those problems. The second is the elevation of understanding. This is targeted towards both the males and females. It is currently impossible to know exactly what someone else is thinking. So don’t expect your partner to do exactly as you want them. I suggest talking to each other about those things. This includes if it is embarrassing or could potentially hurt your partner. Full disclosure is for the best. Misunderstandings and secrets only delays the inevitable and when they come to light, they often bite back with interest. The last step is something almost completely out of a person’s control. The best way to fix a problem is to let time pass. With passing time comes changing ideals and a new world. One person cannot shape it; but, they can nudge it in the right direction for the generations to come.

Summary

          So the problem I’m writing this blog post on is the unequal expectations in relationships. At first, I was targeting the different expectations a guy had for a girl and its reverse. So I found sites based on expectations such as chivalry and its ilk. However, I realized that all those disjointed concepts fell under a more stable problem of gender roles in romantic relationships. These were defined in the scholarly articles section. The sexual scripts illustrated the persistence of gendered relationship roles and the ethnic article revealed that ethic and cultural back grounds form and shape those roles. Drawing from my own experience and those around me, I can reasonable justify those claims. This is within a margin of error as one man cannot see the big picture. I’ve had my own personal relationship pit fall and I’ve helped others so they wouldn’t make the same mistake I did. However these instances aren’t completely restricted to my general area. This problem is subtle, but it persist all around the world to various degrees of influence.

Intersectional Issue

          Unequal expectations in romantic relationships is an intersectional issue because all relationships are social constructs of the environment we live in. In heterosexual relationships, gender is a major factor of its design. However, there is a distinct cultural component to it. Due to upbringing, the next generation absorbs all the previous generations’ ideals social norms. These social norms shape every aspect of our lives. This includes our perception of acceptable romantic relationships. For example, the reason homosexual relationships get a bad reputation is because it isn’t accepted by most religions. So reshaping the social norms in romantic relationships isn’t about just about how to get the next date. It’s about rewriting the social structure one piece at a time.

School Romance

          Romantic relationships occur frequently in public and higher educations. This is because in following years, the opportunities to meet other people becomes ever more restricted. So people prefer to experiment in these institutions where the risk of potential blow back of a failed relationship is minimized. For example in college, I know quite a few students who are currently in romantic relationships. These range hook-ups and dating to marriage and families. However, there are many who aren’t in a current relationship and those whose relationships have hiccups along the way. Excluding those who are neutral entering a relationship, such as myself, there are those who are unaware of how to enter or stabilize a romantic relationship. This is due to the ambiguity of gender roles in dating that has been disrupted with feminism’s push for equality.

My Failed Relationship

          Everyday examples are pretty easy to come by. I hear them all the time but non-disclosure is for the best. So I will reflect on one of my own personal experiences. It won’t have the same impact as others, but what can you do. So I met this girl Lauren in high school. She was tall, blond, sporty, and smart. We started going to the school dances together and before we knew it, we were kind of known as an item. But, it was a bit of a loose relationship. She was a bit cold and distant. I really couldn’t peg her for anything. Any time I tried to start a conversation with her, she either said she was busy, which was understandable due to 3 sports and being an A student, or she said a small drop phrase and ended the conversation before it started. After graduation, there was the typical year book signing. Since it’s the last for high school, we decide to have a bit of fun. So we each pass around our year books and gave each other a 10 minute constraint. So all of ours got filled to the brim with giant paragraphs reflecting on our 4 years together. There was no way any of us could read all of them within the next 2 hours before the buses left. So after we said our goodbyes, I tried to catch up with Lauren. She was already on her way out. I caught up with her and asked if she had any plans for the summer. She said yes and left. I was a bit dumbstruck but nothing I haven’t handled before. On the bus ride home, I found her section in the year book. In a nutshell, it said “These past few years were boring. We never really did anything together. So I’m breaking up with you.” Honestly, it didn’t hurt.

          In school, we were labeled as being in a relationship. It was strange not to either be in one or looking for one. So, we went with the flow expecting something to come out of it. Even if there was a chance we didn’t create any emotional attachment with each other. Despite any attempt I made, I couldn’t connect with her because I didn’t know how I should proceed. I kept testing the waters for any kind of response and got nothing substantial in return. She felt disappointed because the “relationship” didn’t live up to her expectations. Our relationship was gilded in happiness, but neither of us got anything out of it. 

Ethnicity Effect on Romance

 

         Theorist have begun to speculate on how culture and ethnicity affect love. The vote is split. The evolutionary psychologist and anthropologist believe that love is a cultural universal. Historians theorized on the socio-evolution of the concept of love. Cross-cultural theorist believe that culture and ethnicity heavily impact how men and women deal with love and emotions. So to test their theory, they sampled 124 men and 184 women from the University of Hawaii with various relationship statuses, educational backgrounds, and ethnic backgrounds. They were tasked to complete a questionnaire assessing individualism/collectivism, attachment style, likelihood of being in love, passionate love, and companionate love.

          Ethnicity did have a significant effect on individualism/collectivism where European-American was the most individualistic and Chinese-Americans were the most collective. Ethnicity also had a significant effect on the likelihood of being in love with Pacific Islanders having the highest chance and European-Americans having the lowest. There were negligible differences in passionate and companionate love and the theory of different attachment styles was disproved.

       I agree with that ethnicity does play a major role in how love is viewed and approached. I expected that there could be differences in the I/C and minimal differences in passionate and companionate love. However, I was quite surprised that there were difference in the likelihood of being in love and minimal difference in the attachment style of love. So we saw the effects of ethnicity on love. But as they said, it was a limited sample. Do you think the fact that the students were all English speaking had any effect on the results? How about Westernization? Then there’s also those that didn’t participate in the sample. How would they be ranked in this? That’s the problem with samples. They were too small to be conclusive and they aren’t representative of every ethnicity, religion, and culture in the world. There are around 7 billion people in the world right now and 300 people is less than even a percent. But it is worth mentioning that they determined the yes or no question.

Doherty, R. William, Elaine Hatfield, Kari Thompson, and Patricia Choo. "Cultural and Ethnic Influences on Love and Attachment." Personal Relationships 1.4 (1994): 391-98. Web. 8 Dec. 2014.

Sexual Scripts

          Relationship standards for sexual behavior differ for men and women. Women prefer to have sex during dating or a committed relationship. This contrasts the men’s acceptance of casual sex. Each gender role is based off their socio-cultural contexts. So it is possible to generate a sexual script that details culturally accepted norms about sexuality.  The scripts specify appropriate sexual goals that interact on a cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic level. The cultural level revolves around the creation and maintenance of social norms on sexual conduct. Intrapersonal refers to the structural patterns of interaction and intrapsychic refers to an individual’s feelings and fantasies.

          Individuals tend to rely on scripts to tell them how to behave sexually. For example, there is the traditional heterosexual script that supports an aggressive and emotionally insensitive male that is applauded for sexual conquest. Females are expected to be passive and restrict her sexuality yet maintain their looks and concerns for a man’s needs. A further narrowed script focuses on college students. These include one night stands and all the steps leading to it following expectations of when, where, how, why and with whom.

          These sexual scripts have been diluted in recent years. Men and women’s sexual interactions are becoming increasingly similar even though their expected behavior still differs. The similarities between their experiences diverges from the traditional sexual script. However, the different expectations still align with scripts showing its persistence.

          While I don’t like to admit it, the scripts still exist. With the progression of equality, formal gendered roles have eroded away. But the perceptions of the social norms still apply. Those are what the scripts illustrate. Will those scripts will eventually become obsolete? How are we going to accomplish it? Old habits die hard and I probably won’t see it in my lifetime. It is up to successive generations to remove those social constructs for a better tomorrow.

Greene, Kathryn, and Sandra L. Faulkner. "Gender, Belief in the Sexual Double Standard, and Sexual Talk in Heterosexual Dating Relationships." Sex Roles 53.3-4 (2005): 239-51. Web. 8 Dec. 2014.

Chivalry

The Death of Chivalry

          Feminism is the belief that men and women should have equal rights. In the modern world, feminists have made great strides. They have earned their freedoms in the educational, professional, personal, and sexual fields. However, these freedoms have come with a cost. As a consequence for independence and equality, they have discarded long held values and traditions. Some of these social norms were beneficial to the healthy gender relationships. For example, feminist view chivalry as an outdated concept. It places women in gendered roles that were defined by a patriarchal society. These gendered roles were necessary in the past. They helped solidify unstable relationships. Chivalry was a social structure that helped make men more respectful to women. Yet, feminist excision of gender differences removed this leaving confusion and disappointment in relationships.

Chivalry Needs to Return

          In April 14, 1912, the Titanic sank after colliding with an iceberg in the North Atlantic. ¾ of the women on the ship survived while ¾ of the men died. A memorial was erected to those that sacrificed themselves so that the women and children could live. On January 13, 2012, the Costa Concordia befell a similar accident. It hit a rock and sank off the coast of Isola del Giglio. Men shoved their way through the crowd to save themselves.

          With the demand of the equal treatment of women, feminist dismissed chivalry as benevolent sexism. It is benevolent because it gives women preferential treatment; but, it is sexist because it is based on the idea that women are weak and need the protection of men. Due to women’s inconsistent stance on chivalry, men are uncertain as to how to treat them.

        “Feminists want men to treat women as equals; traditionalists want men to treat women like ladies. Are the two mutually exclusive?” Chivalry is about respect. Its core aspects revolve around serving others, being polite, and being courteous.  In modern terms, it would be classified as civility. With the re-inclusion of chivalry, relationships would reach a mutual respect for each other.

My Take

          After reading both points of view, I’m leaning towards the first article. Chivalry, for the most part, is dead. With the rise of the feminist movement, the independence and equality of women directly contradicts the core belief of chivalry. Chivalry focuses on men’s subservience and protection of a women. As much as I want the second article to be viable, it just seems too naïve. She wants women to be independent and equal while being placed on a pedestal. It seems unreasonable. There is one thing I agree with in both articles. The lack of gender roles has destabilized relationship statuses. Men are uncertain as to how to treat women. Women are disappointed with how they are treated. I’ve had to sort out several situations like this as a liaison. Sadly, this isn’t restricted to only new relationships. As much as I like chivalry, it’s dead without either a complete overhaul or some way to balance it the diametrically opposed concept of independence. Do you think it’s possible to balance both? If so, how would you do it? If not, which would you prefer? These questions don’t always have a simple answer.

Schaeffer, Sabrina. "Chivalry Is Dead, Long Live Feminism." The Federalist. N.p., 30 Oct. 2014. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <http://thefederalist.com/2014/10/30/chivalry-is-dead-long-live-feminism/#disqus_thread>.

Smith, Emily Esfahani. "Let's Give Chivalry Another Chance." The Atlantic. Atlantic Media Company, 10 Dec. 2012. Web. 08 Dec. 2014. <http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2012/12/lets-give-chivalry-another-chance/266085/2/>.

The Unequal Expectations Between Genders in Romantic Relationships Proposal

The problem I will be writing my blog report on is the unequal expectations between genders in romantic relationships. It contributes to the oppression on the basis of gender by separating men into different spheres that they are expected to align with. This is important because it forms a soft boundary that is enforced more so by the people than the law.  I’m interested in this topic because I’m personally tired of providing third party relationship advice that normally revolves around either party not doing what’s expected of them. Also, it would be nice to know what is expected of me if I ever do intend to enter a relationship.